Once a Binge-Eater, Always a Binge-Eater? August 12, 2010Posted by Jen in Binge Eating, Emotional Eating, facing fear, Meditation, Motivation.
they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
even when they’re as dry as my lips for years
even when they’re stranded on a small desert island
with no place in two thousand miles to buy beer
-Ani Difranco’s “Fuel”
I’ve been stressed out this week. Little things started to add up. Though I’ve continued trying to take care of myself all of the ways I know work (eating regularly, eating a diet of whole foods, eating balanced meals, exercising, journaling, talking to friends, dealing with problems as they come up, meditating), I was still feeling the pressure of the week building. And building. Until it burst. And by “burst” I mean “eating more than is necessary”.
What can I say? Old habits die hard. Which is why I put the lyrics from the lovely Ani Difranco’s ”Fuel” at the start of this blog. If I once had an eating disorder, do I always have an eating disorder? What if I overeat once in a blue moon but normally deal with things in a healthy, whole way? I certainly don’t have Binge Eating Disorder anymore; you can read how WebMD defines that here.
I’m not perfect. That’s something I’ve had to face this week. And it goes for my eating and dealing with emotional issues, too. I believe food will probably always be one of the things I think about turning to when life gets too stressful. I also think that most of the time life won’t get too stressful, because I’ve got so many useful tools to deal with ups and downs of my days, and that when I do think of using food, I usually won’t use it. I have better ways. I can face things now. I’m okay. I believe there will always be that little tug somewhere that reminds me of the way things were. I also believe I’m healed in so many, many ways. I believe helping others deal with these problems further heals me. I believe I don’t have to have all the answers. Especially to the question I posed above, whether or not I still have an eating disorder because I once had on. Who cares what someone else might define me as?
Yup, last night I ate too much to try to avoid worrying about things going on in my life. And then I stopped. And I was gentle with myself. And then this morning I woke up and moved on. I wrote to a friend and asked, point-blank, for a pep talk. I don’t have to resolve everything alone. I don’t have to always impress everybody. I don’t, and can’t, be perfect. I’m healing, I’m growing, I’m learning.